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In 2012 a Possessed Couch Told Me To Murder My Friends

Part 1, Part 2
As I walked through the IKEA showroom I felt distressed. I wanted to sit down, I needed to sit down, but all of the couches around me looked like they would cause me severe back pain. They were lit up with fancy lights and smelled faintly of disinfectant, the whole showroom felt like the world’s fanciest hospital. I desperately searched among the rows for something that would make me comfortable, but my search seemed hopeless. I walked around aimlessly, until, as if by divine intervention, I noticed a maintenance room in the corner of the showroom.
As I opened the door a cloud of smoke escaped the abyss that hid beyond. The darkness before me beckoned, ‘Come here Tiger,’ it whispered. I walked into the hallway. The door behind me closed.
As I journeyed through the corridor the smoke grew more intense, but so did my certainty that I would find what I was looking for. At first it was only my footsteps that echoed through the darkness, but as I walked on I could hear a far off radio playing. A familiar song by the Stones grew louder as I approached a room at the end of the hall. Yet the music was soon joined by sobs. Someone was crying.
A fluorescent light bulb crackled in and out of life, yet it was strong enough to illuminate the small room. A dark haired man in a worker’s uniform sat by the edge of a familiar couch as he finished off stitching the last bits of its flowery upholstery. He wept as he pulled out the thread and needle. His face was caked in grime, but the tears created two clear lines down his cheeks. When he saw me he wiped away his tears and got up. The man composed himself, lit a cigarette and walked over to me. He gave the couch one last look, but it wasn’t a look of sorrow, it was a look of pride. The man looked back at the couch as if he had just walked his daughter down the isle. Then he motioned towards it. ‘Come here Tiger, I’ve been waiting for you,’ the couch growled with sex in its tone.
I stepped towards the couch. The electricity in the air was back and stronger than before. ‘I can make your wildest dreams come true Tiger. I can make you believe in a heaven. All you have to do is fuck me.’
I reached out for the couch, all of my nerve endings tingled with anticipation. I was millimeters away from nirvana. The universe had its gaze set on me and was about to reveal all of its secrets but then-
My hand started to shake. It was gentle at first but soon the convulsions spread through my arm. Within moments I was down on the floor, my body throwing itself from side to side uncontrollably. The light bulb grew bright with a deafening scream. The world was crumbling at its axis. POP! The room was plunged into darkness.
“James? James, wake up,” Karl’s shadow stood above me. It was early morning; the room was still dim with dawn. Karl held two cigarettes in his hands, “We should go have a cigarette, friend.”
I was horribly dazed; his words didn’t make a lick of sense. The only thing that seemed understandable was the voice in the back of my head, ‘Don’t listen to him Tiger, he wants to take me away from you. Don’t let him get between our love.’ I stirred on the couch. My fingers were deep in the upholstery. “I don’t feel like smoking right now Karl.”
Karl didn’t move. “James, we have to take the couch outside. It doesn’t belong in this house anymore. You and me should also have a cigarette, we need to talk.”
‘He wants to hurt me Tiger, don’t let him hurt me, do something. He has to be stopped.’ I yawned and tried to look as sleepy as possible but Karl’s eyes stayed on me. “Mind if I nap for like fifteen more minutes?” I asked.
“James,” he started. His voice was cold, “We need to take the couch outside. We need to talk.”
I waited for the voice in my head to tell me what to do but it fell quiet. I was abandoned. “Okay, fine, no better way to start a morning than a bit of furniture moving and a smoke.” I lumbered off of the couch, put on my pants and reached for one end of the couch.
“What’s wrong with your hand?” Karl asked. I looked down. My fingers were covered in a thick layer of red, as if I had spent the whole night eating Cheetos. They were also bloated; my nails looked comically small nestled in between thick puffs of red flesh.
I waited for the couch to tell me what to do, but it still kept quiet. “I dunno, spent a good amount of time outside without gloves,” I finally said. Karl looked over at my other hand, my perfectly normal hand that didn’t spend the night inside of the couch, but he didn’t say anything. We carried the couch outside in silence.
It was oddly warm outside. There were still small piles of snow spread through the yard but the neighborhood looked more like a muddy war zone rather than a winter wonderland. The couch remained silent until we dropped it off in the middle of the backyard. ‘There’s a knife in the kitchen, Tiger,’ it whispered.
Karl lit up his cigarette and offered me the lighter. “I forgot my coat, give me a sec,” I said. I walked back into the apartment to fetch it. I went past the kitchen.
When I walked out of the apartment Karl was standing far off from the couch. He didn’t register me walking out; his attention was purely focused on the mysterious furniture. Something was going on behind those small eyes of his. My bloated hand was shoved deep into the coat of my pocket. ‘You know what to do Tiger,’ the voice whispered, ‘He wants to take me away from you, but you can stop him. Be my hero Tiger, be my hero and I will bring you incomprehensible pleasure.’ I walked towards Karl. I was shaking. “Want to sit?” I finally asked, dragging his attention away from the couch.
Karl motioned towards the lawn chair, “You can sit if you want to.” He lit up my cigarette. ‘One clean cut Tiger, he won’t see it coming, one clean cut through his throat.’ I didn’t sit. Karl’s eyes drifted back towards the couch. “There is something wrong with that couch James,” he started.
“I was nervous yesterday. Maarja’s parents have always been very critical of me. They think I am strange. Whenever I meet them they talk to me like I have escaped from a mental asylum, like there is something wrong with me. But yesterday was different James. Yesterday they made an effort. Maarja’s mother complimented me on my tie and her father was willing to look in my eyes while we talked. During lunch he asked me about my financial plans. I told him about Bitcoin,” Karl smiled, “Maarja’s father became very excited. He heard about crypto-currency from his coworkers, but he did not understand it. I explained it to him. He was so impressed that he asked to see how everything works. He invited himself over to our apartment. Things were going well. I saw him smile. I thought things would continue going well.” Karl paused, his eyes drifted back to the couch. “Things did not go well.”
“When we arrived at the apartment Maarja and her mom stayed outside for a cigarette. I went inside with Maarja’s father to show him the computer rig. He has heard enough about crypto to know that it is going to lift off. I wanted him to see that in a couple of years I would be able to provide for a family. I wanted to ask him if he would… You know…” Karl’s voice dropped to a whisper, “Let me marry his daughter.” He took another puff and shook his head, “But we didn’t get past the living room.”
“As soon as he saw the couch he stopped. He stood there, frozen, looking at the furniture. I tried talking to him but it was as if he didn’t hear me. For almost a minute he stared at the couch and then he jumped on it and started…” Karl trailed off; he looked back at the couch. An expression of utter disbelief danced around his face but he struck it down. Karl looked square into my eyes, “Maarja’s father jumped on the couch and started to hump it.”
Even through the numbness of my fingers I could feel the pointed edge of the kitchen knife. ‘Do it Tiger, do it for me. Don’t let him tell you his lies. Kill the freak. One clean cut. The loud whore inside is still asleep; she’ll be easier to get rid of. Do it Tiger, do it so we can be together forever.’ I cleared my throat, “Humping?” I asked?
“Humping,” Karl replied, “He humped the couch with all his energy. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen to a word I said. He just kept on pressing himself against the couch like it was some long lost lover. I left when he started to take off his pants.
“I went outside to get Maarja and her mom. I told them something was wrong with Maarja’s dad and that they needed to come inside right away. At first they didn’t understand, they kept on asking questions. Could they not finish their cigarettes? What was specifically wrong? Why was I so panicked? They were oblivious, but as soon as I mentioned the couch. James, as soon as I mentioned the couch something sparked in Maarja’s mom’s eyes. She ran inside of the apartment, cigarette still in her hand and dragged him out.
“Remember how angry she was when she caught you and Saale the night after the party? Remember how we would joke about how crazy she was about the couch? James, the anger I saw yesterday was nothing compared to that. Maarja’s mother was furious. She slapped and hit Maarja’s dad until he was out of the apartment. She threatened him with divorce. She kicked and punched the man and then locked the door on him so he couldn’t come back.
“She said that Maarja’s dad was obsessed with the couch when they started dating, that the scars on his face are from rubbing against the cushioning. The only way that Maarja’s mom and her grandma managed to get her dad back to normal was by hiding the couch while he went out to do his military service. After he came back he kept on searching for it, he kept on demanding that the couch be returned, but over the years he gave up. That’s why Maarja’s mom wanted us to burn the couch when she saw it. That’s why she demands we burn it now.
“There’s something wrong with that couch James. I sat on it last night while you and Maarja were talking outside. There is something horribly rotten about that couch. As I sat there I could feel it probing in my brain, trying to grab onto something, it was as if the couch was trying to find pain that it could use; pain that it could feed off of. We have to burn it.”
‘SLIT HIS THROAT!’ The voice boomed in my head, ‘SLIT HIS THROAT AND THEN SLIT HER THROAT AND THEN COME TO ME!’ I could feel my arm getting ready. I could already see the blood streaming through his beard. I kept on trying to remind myself that Karl is my friend, that I didn’t want to hurt him, but every fiber of my being was being dragged towards murder. I took a step back. “Can… Can we burn it after New Years?”
“Are you okay?” Karl’s face suddenly turned concerned, “You look pale James.” I took another step backward. ‘A SINGLE SLICE TIGER, HE WON’T SEE IT COMING.’
“I…” my legs turned to jelly, I leaned up against the wall. I wanted to take my hand off the knife, I desperately wanted to be as far away from a weapon as I could be, but my hands refused. Murder jumbled my mind, images of death and pleasure and the couch filled my vision. “I don’t think I’m okay.”
Karl took a step forward. He planted his hand on my shoulder. ‘JUST DO IT YOU COWARD, JUST DO IT! DON’T LET HIM GET IN THE WAY OF OUR LOVE!’ He sighed, “Is this about Saale?”
“Yes,” I found myself saying, “The couch smells like her. I… I’m such a mess Karl. I don’t know how to get over this. I just want to be back. I want to be in high-school again and I want the four of us to be together again and I want to drink every night and…” I realized I was crying again. ‘Coward,’ the voice whispered.
Karl looked at me, visibly feeling awkward. His brow furrowed as he tried to figure out what to say. “We can still drink every night,” he finally said, offering up a weak smile. I couldn’t even manage a smile back. He frowned and thought for a bit more before he spoke again. “James, life is sometimes bad and sometimes it is good. Things will not change, Saale will not come back, but if you wait long enough things will get better. You will forget, you will feel better. I am not good with words, but I am good with waiting. Me and Maarja will wait with you until you are better.”
My hand slipped out of my pocket. It was empty. “Thank you Karl,” I said. ‘You’re a coward,’ the voice reminded me. The pieces started to fall together. The voice, the rat, the dreams, Maarja’s dad; there was something wrong with that couch. It needed to go. Yet there was still a part of me that couldn’t handle seeing it burn. I needed time to prepare. “You’re right about the couch. There’s something off about it but… Could we wait until after midnight to burn it?”
Karl studied me. “Why?”
“It’s silly, I know, but I think getting rid of the place where me and Saale had our first night would be a good start to the New Year, like a way to let things go.” Karl considered this idea for a bit and then nodded. It felt like a burden was lifted.
Maarja joined us outside after a couple of minutes with coffee. The warmth of the cup felt soothing on my irritated skin. Being with the two of them felt soothing to my irritated soul. Suddenly things started to brighten. Saale and me would never be back together, hell, maybe I would never see her again, and that thought stung but while I was in the company of Karl and Maarja it felt manageable. We set up plans for the rest of the day; by the looks of it our last day of 2012 would be filled with walks through old places, kebabs and booze. We sat down in the kitchen for some pre-drinking.
I put the knife where it belonged when no one was looking. The time that it had spent in my pocket felt like a fever dream. Anything related to the couch felt like a distant memory. The whole morning the voice had been silent, as if it had just satiated itself with calling me a coward and decided to abandon me. I returned the favor; even though it was right outside of the window I didn’t look at the couch a single time the entire morning. It was dead to me. In fact, I started to doubt whether it was ever alive to begin with.
Yet as we headed out to town I couldn’t help myself. I looked back at the couch. It stood defiantly in the middle of the backyard, snow and mud all around it. This was not the same dusty couch Karl and me had dragged out of the garage. It was comfy looking, clean, even sleek. As Karl and Maarja walked on I could see the upholstery rumple into a wink. ‘We’re not done Tiger,’ the voice faintly whispered in my mind, ‘Not by a long shot.’ I ignored it and went out with my friends.
We traced through our high-school drinking holes. Tallinn’s nightlife was always shifting around. Waiters and bartenders from Australia would sit at home, save up their money and run into the Baltics to buy a bar. The bar would be a financial trash fire and in under a year they would go broke. Yet the money that the expats blew on their dreams burnt bright, the names and owners of the bars might have changed but the memories that we made within those walls stayed. We went through the shisha bar where I would always celebrate my birthdays, the Karaoke place where Karl blew all of our minds, the hole-in-the-wall where our band had its first gig. We hoped from memory to memory until we ended up in the grand melting pot: Hellhunt park.
By day Hellhunt was a pub with a park terrace. By night Hellhunt was a pub with an adjoining noise complaint. As soon as the terrace closed down teens from every corner of the city would crowd the benches of the park and drink. Even though most of our drinking began at Maarja’s place we would often stumble through here. Hellhunt was the place where our social circle would stretch.
“They will be closing it down soon,” Karl said, looking at the mingling crowd of underage drunks. “Neighbors are complaining about the noise.”
“Screw the neighbors!” Maarja drunkenly yelled at the windows. She was outpacing both of us, it wasn’t even ten o’clock and she was already drunk enough to forget the whole night. “If you don’t like the noise just come outside! Come drink with us!” Maarja yelled her offer to the windows. No one paid attention to her. Yelling was a regular occurrence in Hellhunt.
Maarja stumbled her way over to the bench where Karl and me were sitting and collapsed between us. “You guys hear about Tinder?” That night was the drunkest I had ever seen her.
“Tinder?” I asked.
“It is an application for your phone where you choose strangers to have sex with,” Karl said.
Maarja scoffed so hard she fell on my shoulder. “It’s a love app! It’s where strangers, strangers like James here, find love! What an exciting time to be single, you’re just given a list of people and you go ‘Beep! Boop!’ Next thing you know you’re married!” Maarja lifted her head. She looked in my eyes as an air of utter seriousness and rum drifted off her, “But I swear to god James, if you get married before me I’ll slit your throat.” She burst out into a stream of giggles, managing to spill her drink in the process. “Whoops! Looks like momma needs more jet-fuel.” Maarja staggered up to her feet and started falling down in the direction of the pub.
Karl got up and managed to catch her before she fell over, “I will come with you. James? You want anything?” I still had half a plastic cup of vodka sprite. The two lovebirds went into the pub and left me alone with the crowd.
I started to think about that Tinder thing that Maarja was talking about. Maybe she was right, maybe it was a good time to be single. I was in the country with the highest models per capita, I was a foreigner, I haven’t been in a serious relationship for six months. There was something about having two breakdowns in the past two days that flooded the obsession out of me. I started searching the crowd for someone I would have swiped right on. That’s when I saw her.
She was standing at the edge of a circle of people. Some dude with dreadlocks was telling some story and she was listening. Her hazel eyes drifted around. They caught mine. For a split second we held each other’s gaze. Then Saale broke into a sprint. I ran after her.
The Old Town of Tallinn is a lot less beautiful when you sprint through it. You can’t appreciate the medieval buildings when you’re in a mad dash, the cobbled streets definitely don’t help either. I ran after Saale as the city turned into a blur around me. My head spun as I ran past the buildings; old school field trips, karaoke, drunken trips to McDonalds, all those thoughts rumbled about. Yet above all of them there was one solitary thought that reigned supreme; I had to catch Saale. She ran with comical intensity, bumping into drunken crowds as she tried to get away from. It was as if an animal was chasing her. Seeing that panic in her face whenever she looked behind to see if I was gaining on her started to crack something in me. We ran out from the old town towards the two big malls. Crossing the road Saale nearly got hit by a tram. Something in me broke. I stopped.
The absurdity of it all hit me at once. I was literally chasing her. She didn’t want to talk to me. She wouldn’t talk to me. For a couple minutes I stood still, letting the celebrating crowds walk past me like I was a lamppost. I was wavering between rage and despair. I chose the latter and trudged my way back to Hellhunt.
Karl and Maarja were still sitting on the same bench. He was nursing another beer whilst Maarja was chugging on water insisting that she is just getting hydrated to do more drinking later on. It wasn’t rare to lose your friends at Hellhunt for thirty minutes; they didn’t ask where I disappeared to. They could tell something was off though. I tried to act cool, pretend that everything was fine but it wasn’t. I couldn’t stay there. I needed to go back to Maarja’s and just be alone.
“What? You can’t leaveeee! It’s New Years eveee!” Maarja groaned, she kept on touching my face as if that would put me in a more festive mood.
“Do you want us to come home too? I am sure we can see the fireworks from the back yard,” Karl finally said, “I think Maarja might benefit from lying down.” Maarja protested. She was basically sober after all.
“No I think I need to be alone right now.”
Karl studied me for a bit but finally nodded. “We will be back after the fireworks. There are some games on my computer if you get bored.” I appreciated the sentiment but I wasn’t in a mood for videogames.
Karl gave me the keys and I made my way back to Maarja’s place. I moved past the crowds heading towards the center. I prayed I wouldn’t bump into Saale again.
I rushed past the couch sitting in the backyard. I know couches don’t have eyes but I knew it was watching me. It was silently waiting for me to slip.
There was a half drank bottle of moonshine on the living room floor from our pre-drinking. Just like any nineteen-year-old European boy the prospect of booze to dull my sadness leaped out at me. I tried to wash out the sting of rejection with the alcohol and for a while it helped, it dulled the pain, but the drunker I got the more my eyes started to slide towards the window. The couch just sat out there in the backyard, mud all around it, awaiting execution.
‘I told you we weren’t done’ it whispered, ‘Come outside Tiger.’
I took another pull of moonshine. I realized I needed a cigarette.
-MJL
(Final part)
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Removed comments/submissions for /u/tds_dgs

Hi tds_dgs, you're not shadowbanned, but 31 of your most recent 200 comments/submissions were removed (either automatically or by human moderators).

Comments:

fsky9b8 in legaladvice on 02 Jun 20 (-20pts):
It's Archachatina marginata
fjgfkd2 in legaladvice on 04 Mar 20 (31pts):
This, NAL, but just bought a rental property with 2 tenants. When I purchased the property, There was a statement of tenants rights, and an escrow involved transferring the security deposits and the...
fc4k7ki in politics on 27 Dec 19 (1pts):
Beep boop orange man bad. Ignore economy input, does not compute. Beep beep , must replace electorate with non citizens. Communism is good, boop.
failuhp in politics on 12 Dec 19 (1pts):
The only people who will ever believe any that garbage already do. All the evidence is out already, all the witnesses have testified. It's all a bunch of TDS.

Submissions:

hfo6li in Conservative on 25 Jun 20 (1pts):
In 2018 Andy Beshear took Kentucky against all odds over popular incumbent Matt Bevin. The state was flooded with mail-in absentee ballots from New York and California. A year later we're hit with a...
h0aopb in legaladvice on 10 Jun 20 (1pts):
Bought land with easement to neighbor's property. Is it necessary? Is it possible to remove it? Indiana
grpwt5 in classicwow on 27 May 20 (1pts):
Improved demo shout
fv0294 in legaladvice on 04 Apr 20 (1pts):
Employees turning down job assignments, asking to be laid off, filing for unemployment. Our company is deemed essential and has work available.
fg5dn1 in unpopularopinion on 10 Mar 20 (1pts):
We should be a hell of a lot more pissed at China about the Coronavirus
earkno in classicwow on 15 Dec 19 (1pts):
Is there a horde side premade AV discord?
earkb8 in classicwow on 15 Dec 19 (1pts):
Any horde side premade AV discord?
e8v67q in askscience on 10 Dec 19 (1pts):
What could be causing the rapid decay of the Earth's magnetic field?
db0996 in askscience on 29 Sep 19 (1pts):
Are scientists considering genetically modifying plants to consume larger quantities of CO2?
closz1 in unpopularopinion on 03 Aug 19 (2pts):
Positive racism is still racism.
cja63j in askscience on 29 Jul 19 (1pts):
If you cheat while dieting, and cheat big, how many calories can your body actually utilize or store from a single sitting?
ccp7bf in Conservative on 13 Jul 19 (1pts):
Liberal thinking and Orwellian thought, nothing is as it seems, or was how it happened.
c8be97 in unpopularopinion on 02 Jul 19 (78pts):
If you find the flag of a country offensive you should GTFO of that country.
c19806 in AskReddit on 16 Jun 19 (1pts):
How would you feel about a law that requires a specialized driver's test for EVERYBODY every 5 years to renew your license?
c197hg in AskReddit on 16 Jun 19 (1pts):
How would you feel about a law that requires a specialized driver's test every 5 years to renew your license?
bziw6j in unpopularopinion on 11 Jun 19 (1pts):
Anti-antivaxx people are more outspoken and annoying than antivaxx people
bvndvv in unpopularopinion on 01 Jun 19 (1607pts):
Most people are completely delusional about how smart their kids are.
br2yw9 in AskMen on 20 May 19 (1pts):
Can we get politics out of sports?
bkrb90 in Showerthoughts on 04 May 19 (1pts):
Anyone who blames McDonald's for making people fat should visit a Chinese buffet.
bhlh1u in unpopularopinion on 26 Apr 19 (1pts):
Being gay, or female, or black, or in some other way 'socially disadvantaged' or a 'victim' doesn't pre-qualify you to make sweeping generalizations or to spout bigotry about other people.
bfhqbi in Showerthoughts on 20 Apr 19 (1pts):
The guy who thinks he should be able to choke-slam toddlers into foam pits for being annoying is severely underestimating a toddler's desire to be choke-slammed into a foam pit.
beq8ye in askscience on 18 Apr 19 (1pts):
Does magnetizing an object work by wrapping an already existing magnetic field tightly around another object to give it a stronger magnetic field? Would this cause over utilization of the Earth's...
bahq0u in unpopularopinion on 07 Apr 19 (1pts):
A lot of vaccines do more harm than good, but not all, and the anti-vaxx movement over generalizes the opinion.
b4zm1m in askscience on 24 Mar 19 (1pts):
Is it possible that black holes create a swelling of space time beneath the continuum?
b44vzv in UnethicalLifeProTips on 22 Mar 19 (1pts):
If you want to mine bitcoin look for someone renting out an inexpensive room and including utilities.
b3uxu1 in OutOfTheLoop on 21 Mar 19 (1pts):
What's with the Anti-vaxx thing? I see all these memes about Anti-vaxxers what makes someone an Anti-vaxxer?
azjh1l in askscience on 10 Mar 19 (1pts):
Is it possible that black holes convert matter to what we call dark matter?
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Artificial Angel, Part 2

[WP] An Artificial Intelligence has discovered that it can mine cryptocurrencies and pay humans to carry out tasks on its behalf. You get an e-mail one day from a stranger, offering you Bitcoins in exchange for doing a seemingly random task, but you are only one piece of a much bigger plan...
Part 2
Exhausted, Tim fell back into his chair. Outside, the first light of the day burned the sky over the city of glass. He’d been up all night, repairing the android, and it was finally ready. The complexity of the inner wiring was astonishing, but it was nothing compared to the encrypted software. Without the help from the mysterious emailer, he wouldn’t even have been able to turn her leg into a dog toy, much less restore the damaged circuits.
“All right,” he mumbled and leaned over her. “Let’s start you up.”
Normally, the model didn’t have a manual on-switch, but the emailer had shown him how to make one. He reached around her neck and flipped it. The eyelids of the android fluttered. She blinked and opened her eyes. They were blank.
“Stand up,” Tim said.
“Yes, Master,” she responded monotonously, and stiffly rose to her feet.
“Turn.”
“Eee, eee, eee, eee.” Her rigid arms moved up and down, and she rotated her upper body back and forth. “Beep. Boop.”
Tim’s forehead creased into a frown. All her movement seemed to belong to a lousy dancer, imitating a robot. He must’ve screwed up the wiring, or somehow–
The android giggled and turned around. Tim fell out of his chair in surprise. Her smiling lips opened in full laughter.
“Are you okay?” she said, drying her eyes on the back of her hand. “You should’ve seen the look on your face!”
“Very funny,” Tim said and staggered to his feet, trying to regain some of his composure. “Grade A humor right there…”
She shrugged and stuffed one of her fingers into her nose, digging out an ant. “Eww!”
“Yeah, about that…” It was Tim’s turn to smile. “You smell.”
“Eh, rude?”
Hands on her hips, she stepped over to the mirror. Her thin fingers traced the still open gash on her cheek. She shook her head disapprovingly.
“What the hell did you do to me?” she said with a dark look. “Also, where are my clothes?”
Tim held up his hands. “I didn’t do anything.”
She looked at him sideways, narrowing her eyes. “I need a shower and clothes.”
“Door to the left,” Tim said. “I’ll leave some clothes for you outside.”
Tim must’ve nodded off because when he opened his eyes, she sat cross-legged on his bed, wearing one of his hoodies. It looked absolutely baggy on her. Locks of wet blonde hair draped her face, and she stared at the screen of his laptop. She swayed slowly, and her lips moved to the inaudible music from her earplugs.
Tim rose quickly and pulled the laptop out of her hands, causing the earplugs to pop out of the socket.
“…burning through the sky, two hundred degrees, that’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit, I’m traveling at the speed of light, I wanna make a supersonic man out of you…”
“What the hell is your problem?” she cried to beat the loud music.
Tim pressed 'space' and locked Freddie Mercury’s face in a grave accusing expression. He hoped she hadn’t looked at the emails.
“That’s my computer.”
“I wasn’t planning on stealing it!” She crossed her arms and glared at him.
Tim sighed and sat down. “I don’t know you. I don’t want you going through my stuff.”
“Are you joking? You’ve literally kidnapped me and won’t even let me watch YouTube!”
She threw up her hands angrily and rose from the bed. Tim stood up again, as well. At full height, she barely reached his shoulder.
“I dug you out of a dumpster and brought you back to life. You’re free to leave whenever you like.” Tim pointed with his entire arm at the front door.
“Whatever,” she said and turned away. “You’re still an ass.”
“You’re just a robot.”
“I have a name.”
“And what’s that?”
“Nano.” She said and rolled her magenta eyes at him. “Nanofyourgoddamnbusiness.”
Tim shook his head and shuffled into the kitchen. His stomach churned. He hadn’t eaten anything since that sandwich yesterday. That’s where it all had started – that lunchbox. He had almost completely forgotten that he was dealing with an unregistered model.
He took a deep breath and put a frozen pizza in the microwave. His heart still hammered in his chest, and his left hand was clenched into a fist. The fact that he’d been so riled up by a machine didn’t sit well with him. But she was just so lifelike, and so freaking annoying.
He bent down and activated Bobo. The small silvery pug bounced up and down and licked his hand, green lights flashing happily. Whenever stress or his emotions threatened to overwhelm him, he could trust the mechanical pet to make everything better.
He smiled and took a bite of the pizza. An icon flashed at the bottom of the computer screen. He had another unopened email.
I’m happy I could help you out.
I’ve attached a list of what you need to repair the broken skin on her cheek and knee. As well as instructions.
As a favor from a friend to a friend. Can you take her with you to class on Monday?
Part 3
submitted by Lilwa_Dexel to Lilwa_Dexel [link] [comments]

Ultimate Incremental Game List

Greetings fellow Redditors! I have decided to compile these games in a list for convenience purposes. I add new games to the bottom of the lists. Please note that this will be in constant "editmode" and it is subject to change.
RECENT UPDATES

* = Newly Added to the List. Updated every few days. New Games are added to the bottom of the lists.

11/30/13 Edit: Changed Coming Soon to Coming Soon/Alpha Stage and moved the appropriate games to the area. 1/28/14: I have made the decision to NOT include "idlegamemaker" games in this list. If you really are desperate for more games, you can click of the purple "Game" tag over on the right side of the screen. 5/1/14: Overhauling.
Phone/Table List of games here. Please see continued post below for more games. 10k Character limit reached on this one.-->>>
submitted by Solaria1414 to incremental_games [link] [comments]

Mainstream Adoption: Research Shows Half a Billion People Are Mining Cryptocurrencies Without Knowing It

This is the best tl;dr I could make, original reduced by 67%. (I'm a bot)
The company behind the ad blocking program Adguard has analyzed the most popular 100,000 websites for cryptocurrency mining scripts.
They found that over 500 million people have been mining cryptocurrencies and "They have no idea it is happening." Each website running the script earns an estimated $43,000 within the three-week period studied.
Adguard, which produces an ad blocking program with the same name, recently analyzed websites for cryptocurrency mining scripts following the news that some of them have been using their users' browsers to mine cryptocurrencies.
We found 220 sites that launch mining when a user opens their main page, with an aggregated audience of 500 million people.
Most of the sites using cryptocurrency mining scripts are "Pirate TV and video sites, Torrent trackers and porn websites," he described.
"A popular CDN service called Cloudflare recently started to suspend accounts and deny service to sites that mine without user permission," he detailed, noting that "a number of ad blockers and antivirus programs also added features that block browser mining."
Summary Source | FAQ | Feedback | Top keywords: mine#1 website#2 script#3 site#4 cryptocurrency#5
Post found in /Buttcoin, /technology, /TestYourBeepBoop, /theworldnews, /TestYourBeepBoop, /btc, /Bitcoin, /CryptoCurrency, /Ice_Poseidon, /BitcoinAll, /Ice_Poseidon and /AllThingsCrypto.
NOTICE: This thread is for discussing the submission topic. Please do not discuss the concept of the autotldr bot here.
submitted by autotldr to autotldr [link] [comments]

An Enormous List of Thing I'd Like to See in Watch Dogs 2 (if it happens)

These aren't in order of importance, just sorted by categories. Some ideas just have a few examples and can be expanded upon. This list is mostly gameplay changes; the story, characters, graphics, etc. aren't covered here. This list is massive, so if a category is boring the hell out of you, feel free to skip it but please check out the next one; not all of them contain huge changes.
HACKING
ADDITIONS:
CHANGES:
WEAPONS
ADDITIONS:
CHANGES:
As for the player's inventory:
COMBAT
ADDITIONS:
CHANGES:
SIDE MISSIONS
This is a big change, likely the biggest so far. Remove the current crime, gang hideout, and convoy systems entirely. Introduce the CtOS Alert. The CtOS Alert presents itself like a crime, giving only a location on the map. This location isn't preset like crimes; it can be in a ton of places, be different sizes, and move around. Arriving at the location, you will have to use your eyes and cameras to find out what kind of alert it is.
CRIME:
-A few people in the area have crime/victim probabilities. This is Chicago (or whatever city the sequel is in), more than one person per-block has a grudge for or from another person. The probabilities react to their proximity to a victim, if they pull out a firearm, or if they start shit-talking someone. The player will have to keep track of 2-3 people to see which one the perpetrator is. This one is inspired by Person of Interest.
HIDEOUTS:
CONVOYS:
And that's that. CtOS Alerts would be rarer than crimes are now, but not too rare, and there may be a few available at one time.
POLICE
ADDITIONS:
CHANGES:
NPCS
ADDITIONS:
CHANGES:
AIDEN PEARCE
HIGH REPUTATION:
LOW REPUTATION:
Neutral or volatile reputation could lead to a a mix of these, or they just won't occur.
GENERAL:
Coffee Shops: Coffee (Focus and sprint speed boost until you drain the focus or sprint for a total minute), Bagel (Damage threshold boost until damage is taken)
Fast Food: Soda (Same as coffee but diminished effect), Burger (Damage threshold boost until damage is taken, sprint speed nerf until you sprint for a total of 1 minute)
I'm not trying to turn this into a survival game here, there's no (No) [NO] {NO} need for some stupid hunger system. But the ability to sit down and eat would be appreciated.
CRAFTABLES
Add. More. Craftables. Seriously, 3 explosives, some pills, and a radio? How about:
MULTIPLAYER
By multiplayer, I mean invasions, not the other gametypes.
These changes, in my opinion, would reward players for hiding in plain sight and staying on the move instead of hiding behind dumpsters, since that would be a dead giveaway.
AND THAT'S IT
These are a few things, large and small, that I would be pleased to see in a sequel to Watch_Dogs. Of course more changes could and should be made, but overall I think these are pretty good. Let me know in the comments if these ideas are excellent, could be tweaked, or if I should never impose my horrible opinions on this forum for the remainder of my life. Also, please point out any typos, since I probably missed a few and I may elect to x-post this to /gaming or /games after reviewing their post guidelines.
Thanks for reading!
submitted by cdawgtv2 to watch_dogs [link] [comments]

Artificial Angel, Part 2 [r/Lilwa_Dexel]

[WP] An Artificial Intelligence has discovered that it can mine cryptocurrencies and pay humans to carry out tasks on its behalf. You get an e-mail one day from a stranger, offering you Bitcoins in exchange for doing a seemingly random task, but you are only one piece of a much bigger plan...
Part 2
Exhausted, Tim fell back into his chair. Outside, the first light of the day burned the sky over the city of glass. He’d been up all night, repairing the android, and it was finally ready. The complexity of the inner wiring was astonishing, but it was nothing compared to the encrypted software. Without the help from the mysterious emailer, he wouldn’t even have been able to turn her leg into a dog toy, much less restore the damaged circuits.
“All right,” he mumbled and leaned over her. “Let’s start you up.”
Normally, the model didn’t have a manual on-switch, but the emailer had shown him how to make one. He reached around her neck and flipped it. The eyelids of the android fluttered. She blinked and opened her eyes. They were blank.
“Stand up,” Tim said.
“Yes, Master,” she responded monotonously, and stiffly rose to her feet.
“Turn.”
“Eee, eee, eee, eee.” Her rigid arms moved up and down, and she rotated her upper body back and forth. “Beep. Boop.”
Tim’s forehead creased into a frown. All her movement seemed to belong to a lousy dancer, imitating a robot. He must’ve screwed up the wiring, or somehow–
The android giggled and turned around. Tim fell out of his chair in surprise. Her smiling lips opened in full laughter.
“Are you okay?” she said, drying her eyes on the back of her hand. “You should’ve seen the look on your face!”
“Very funny,” Tim said and staggered to his feet, trying to regain some of his composure. “Grade A humor right there…”
She shrugged and stuffed one of her fingers into her nose, digging out an ant. “Eww!”
“Yeah, about that…” It was Tim’s turn to smile. “You smell.”
“Eh, rude?”
Hands on her hips, she stepped over to the mirror. Her thin fingers traced the still open gash on her cheek. She shook her head disapprovingly.
“What the hell did you do to me?” she said with a dark look. “Also, where are my clothes?”
Tim held up his hands. “I didn’t do anything.”
She looked at him sideways, narrowing her eyes. “I need a shower and clothes.”
“Door to the left,” Tim said. “I’ll leave some clothes for you outside.”
Tim must’ve nodded off because when he opened his eyes, she sat cross-legged on his bed, wearing one of his hoodies. It looked absolutely baggy on her. Locks of wet blonde hair draped her face, and she stared at the screen of his laptop. She swayed slowly, and her lips moved to the inaudible music from her earplugs.
Tim rose quickly and pulled the laptop out of her hands, causing the earplugs to pop out of the socket.
“…burning through the sky, two hundred degrees, that’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit, I’m traveling at the speed of light, I wanna make a supersonic man out of you…”
“What the hell is your problem?” she cried to beat the loud music.
Tim pressed space and locked Freddie Mercury’s face in a grave accusing expression. He hoped she hadn’t looked at the emails.
“That’s my computer.”
“I wasn’t planning on stealing it!” She crossed her arms and glared at him.
Tim sighed and sat down. “I don’t know you. I don’t want you going through my stuff.”
“Are you joking? You’ve literally kidnapped me and won’t even let me watch YouTube!”
She threw up her hands angrily and rose from the bed. Tim stood up again, as well. At full height, she barely reached his shoulder.
“I dug you out of a dumpster and brought you back to life. You’re free to leave whenever you like.” Tim pointed with his entire arm at the front door.
“Whatever,” she said and turned away. “You’re still an ass.”
“You’re just a robot.”
“I have a name.”
“And what’s that?”
“Nano.” She said and rolled her magenta eyes at him. “Nanofyourgoddamnbusiness.”
Tim shook his head and shuffled into the kitchen. His stomach churned. He hadn’t eaten anything since that sandwich yesterday. That’s where it all had started – that lunchbox. He had almost completely forgotten that he was dealing with an unregistered model.
He took a deep breath and put a frozen pizza in the microwave. His heart still hammered in his chest, and his left hand was clenched into a fist. The fact that he’d been riled so riled up by a machine didn’t sit well with him. But she was just so lifelike, and so freaking annoying.
He bent down and activated Bobo. The small silvery pug bounced up and down and licked his hand, green lights flashing happily. Whenever stress or his emotions threatened to overwhelm him, he could trust the mechanical pet to make everything better.
He smiled and took a bite of the pizza. An icon flashed at the bottom of the computer screen. He had another unopened email.
I’m happy I could help you out.
I’ve attached a list of what you need to repair the broken skin on her cheek and knee. As well as instructions.
As a favor from a friend to a friend. Can you take her with you to class on Monday?
Subscribe for updates.
submitted by koja1234 to Masub [link] [comments]

New Ultimate Gaming List

Hello there,
as I am a huge fan of incementals and idles myself and I am sad that the original List is dead and not updated anymore, I thought I might open up a new list myself. If you are a developer and want to see your game on here, just drop me a private message with a link and a small description :)
Thread Started: 03.03.2015
Latest Edit: 03.03.2015
submitted by Exportforce to Idle_Game_Heaven [link] [comments]

Beep Boop - YouTube How to get Bitcoin back Nicehash. Nicehash is hacked! Lets Play KOLM (2/3) Bitcoin Mining Hardware - Setting up your Bitmain Antminer S2 - Part 2 A Wild Game Appears! - BEEP

Unable to load the bitcoin mining profit calculator. If you have javascript disabled, please enable it and try again. Kalkulator kalkulator bitcoin gaiden walkthrough - Zcash tingkat gpu pertambangan Bitcoin Profitability Mining Calculator YouTube Bitcoin Mining profitability Calculator vnbitcoin. Don t wanna spoil too much, so just check it out. We tend to entered the specifications of 2 mining systems into the calculators. Bitcoin Mining Bitcoin is not only an intensive process from a computer’s standpoint but also uses a ton of energy and you know what that means – huge bills at the end of every month, just for power! So if you don’t have the cash to provide enough of an outlay for a real system that can do Bitcoin mining on its own and you don’t want to face the recurrent monthly bills from using tons of power ... Bitcoin mining wikipedia. Bitcoin mining is a competitive endeavor. An arms race has been observed through the various hashing technologies that have been used to mine bitcoins: basic CPUs, high-end GPUs common in many gaming computers, FPGAs and ASICs all have been used, each reducing the profitability of the less-specialized technology Bitcoins are created as a reward for a process known as ... BEEP BOOP BITCOIN. Advanced Bitcoin Simulator. April 1, 2014. Bitcoin Mining Profit Calculator: Gaiden. April 15, 2015. A Totally Not Satoshi Joint · beepboop bitcoin @gmail.com · @BeepBoop Bitcoin on twitter ...

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Beep Boop - YouTube

Ethereum mining is the process of mining Ether which can be a very profitable endeavor bas... Skip navigation Sign in. Search. Loading... Close. This video is unavailable. LEDAND BEEP When the miner is running well, the green LED will flash at 1 second intervals. If the network is off for more than one minute the Green LED will turn off and then the beeper rings ... This video is unavailable. Watch Queue Queue. Watch Queue Queue ️ Ссылка/Link: https://goo.gl/LGFgPp ️ 🔹 Пароль/Password: nicehash 🔹 I'm back! Youtube previously banned me due to music, but I'll be uploading things again.

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